So, as I lay here, it's hard not to become bored out of your mind. I've tried to decide what to write about since nothing funny, exciting, infuriating, or otherwise happened to me today. I took a Loritab and laid around. Ah, but then I discovered that I could simply give you a funny story from days prior. One from each of my awesome kids, and by awesome I mean beautiful, creative, intelligent, but equally terrifying daughters. Enjoy!
Melanie:
As my first-born, this child has obvious advantages. She is allowed to do more, because it's what I consider a "learning curve". If Melanie does it with little to no damage, I guess it's probably okay for the younger two to give it a go. She was the first one to go down the slide head first, first one to ride a bike, etc. Hence comes a funny tale from the mind of my genius almost 7 year old daughter. She has been very sick the last couple days with Scarlet Fever. So she's had the works. Headache, fever, sore throat, ear ache, and a general attitude of "fuck off". Yes, she's been a cranky ass. Within reason, of course, and as to be expected. I know I'm no saint when I'm feeling bad. Anyway, I digress. Because of the fever, I have been giving her steady rounds of Tylenol and Ibuprofen. (Mommy of the YEAR!) The medicine has done very little for the fever, but it seems to have done one very big thing. Completely stop her from taking a crap. So, she's on the toilet right down the hall from my bedroom and all of a sudden I hear what sounds like a small whale dying. It's Melanie, crying. Lily, my next oldest comes running in my room yelling, "Melanie can't POOOOOOP!!!!" Then Melanie yells from the bathroom, "I'm scared."
I can't get up because my leg goes numb when my back goes out, so I yell for her dad to go check on her. This makes her even more upset. I tell her to calm down, and come into my room and I'll try to make her feel better. She comes waddling in, pants to her ankles. I said, "Pull your pants up goofball." So I start giving her the options. We can wait it out, try eating some prunes, or we can give her an enema. Of course she doesn't know what that means, so I explain to her that it's a little thing that goes in her butthole, squirts some oil in, and loosens up the poop so it can come out. Her immediate response to that was, "Dad has already seen me in the bathroom, there's no way you're sticking something in my butt. The poop will just have to stay in there." They grow up so fast. She's a smart ass just like her mom. =-)
Lily:
Lily is what I like to call imaginative. She comes up with very strange, and creepy tales. I personally believe that she is a future Tim Burton. Her mind is a dark and twisty place. (Likely the result of watching The Omen a few too many times when I was pregnant with her.) Her most recent story involved a pink alien, an axe, and some poison. Ironically, however, she is terrified of EVERYTHING. I almost wrecked my car one time because she screamed in such a blood curdling way from the back seat that it scared me. What was she screaming about? A fly landed on her leg. She's very timid. I don't know how else to explain her demeanor.
Just the other day, we were in the car on our way home and her sister Shayne was babbling about some kind of nonsense. Then they got onto the topic of Jesus. (?) They argued back and forth for a while, when all of a sudden I heard, "Shut up Shayne! Jesus lives in outer space with the aliens!" Then she started singing Crazy Train by Ozzy. She's a carbon copy of me, I swear.
Shayne:
Ah, my baby. My last little angel. My miracle. My diva. My pain in the ass. I love this child more than words can express. She's a miracle, and I nearly gave my life to bring her into this world. We have a bond unlike the bond I have with my older two. She's spoiled rotten, and you can definitely tell. She is random, demanding, loud, and adorable. She's only 3, so she has limited understanding of words and their meanings, but she is very intelligent. I would just like to share with you some quotes from Shayne over the last year.
My mom: Shayne, say your prayers before you go to sleep.
Shayne: I don't want to.
Shayne: Look mommy! I'm tall enough to reach the floor!
Shayne: I'm not a ninja, I'm a ninja turtle!
Shayne: My nose is running. I need a tennis shoe. Please. Perry Please.
Shayne: The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the giant meatball.
Shayne: Jesus is a super hero! He died for our country!
Shayne: (After getting out of the bath tub) Daddy! Look! I have a hole in my butt!
And, that, my friends is what procreation is really all about. Posting embarrassing stories about your children on the internet, so that when the right time comes, you can use them as date material. Have sweet dreams!
XOXOXOXOXO
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