So I have this friend named Tim. I call him Poppashongo, or occasionally Big Poppa. He is probably my closest friend, and I want you to know that no matter what happens, he will always be dear to me. I don't know what sparked such a close relationship between the two of us, but it is fun to have someone to goof off with, bitch to, get drunk with, and in general just have a good time. Some of you may find it strange that my closest friend is a guy, but to you who do I say "fuck off".
Anywho, Tim is a karaoke DJ. I met him about a year ago when I went out for a night of karaoke with an old friend. I introduced myself by dumping my drink on him, and we have been buddies ever since. I call myself his apprentice, and from time to time he relies on me to help him DJ when he has double booked himself. (Which I think is fucking awesome, and hope that I'm always his back-up.) I go wherever he goes like a faithful dog, and we have a great time no matter the situation. I know that no matter what happens he has my back, and I always feel safe when he's around. These are great qualities to have in a friend. I'm also very great friends with his wife, who thankfully understands why we're friends! Sharon is just as awesome as Tim, but for different reasons. I'm sure that eventually you will find a tale on here involving her, but it just so happens that this most recent "interesting thing" involves Tim, so I felt that you fine readers needed some introduction.
So recently, Tim has picked up a new karaoke gig on Wednesday nights. He was up for the position along with another DJ. We'll call the other guy Summer's Eve. Obviously, because Tim IS the people's choice, he was hired instead of Summer's Eve. I may be biased, but I do a lot of karaoke, and Tim really is great at what he does, and the only thing Summer's Eve had to offer besides a computer was a bunch of really ugly hats.
Yay, Tim! So last night was Tim's first night. As bad as I have felt, I trooped out to the new digs to support my BFF on his first night! Low and behold, Summer's Eve showed up to check out the show. I have to tell you about this guy.
Picture it. A shorter, gray haired version of Howie Mandel with a serious inferiority complex. That's what he looked like. So, Tim and I are sitting at the designated hired DJ only spot, when over walks Summer's Eve. Tim, who can't stand the guy, is pleasant and welcoming to the guy.....which was shocking, because the first time he opened his mouth, I just wanted to stuff a homeless man's sock into his mouth. Tim, if you read this, congratulations on your ability to conduct yourself like an adult.
Summer's Eve now wants to know every detail about Tim's equipment, programs, etc. (I'm sure it was just so he could feel like his was way better, which it's not, so suck it.) Tim politely told him all about what he wanted to know. Well, this makes Summer's Eve think he's got an edge. Commence the pissing contest. I'm going to quote the following conversation.
Tim: Hey buddy! Are you gonna sing tonight?
Summer's Eve: Ummmm, well, yeah sure! Do you got Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi?
Tim: Yep!
Summer's Eve: Sound Choice?
Tim: If I have it, absolutely.
Summer's Eve: Can you drop it two keys?
At this point, Tim looks at the guy with an "Are you fucking kidding me" face.
Me: (Directed at Tim) There's one in every bar isn't there?
Tim: LOL, alright I gotcha in. You'll be up in just a minute.
So 10 minutes go by, and Summer's Eve is now done singing his song. Which I have to tell you, a dying cow could've done better. It was hard to retain laughter at how bad this cocky sumbitch was singing. So here he comes to put in another song.
Summer's Eve: Was that dropped two keys?
Tim: (Points to the screen to show him the -2 in the key box) Yep. Did you want it lower than that?
Summer's Eve: Well, I wanted it dropped to keys.
Tim: (Points to the screen again) I dropped it two keys. Did it sound different?
Summer's Eve: Well, with my program I drop it two keys and it sounds different. I guess that's just the difference in.....uh....computers.
Walk away buddy, you're making yourself look stupid. I didn't stay much longer after that, but I have a strange feeling that Tim dealt with this all night. I feel really bad for Summer's Eve......he probably doesn't have very many friends. So, here's my advice to him.
GROW UP YOU ASSHAT! Tim was clearly the better choice, so man up and quit trying to make Tim miserable. I mean, you have gray hair, so shouldn't you be past the point of petty bullshit? Shake hands with Tim, congratulate him on the gig, and go find another one. You giving him a bunch of shit isn't going to pay your bills or get you the job that he clearly already has.
Let's all take a moment to think of this poor little Howie Mandel looking lost soul, and congratulate him for winning the douche bag of the day award. Clearly he needs to win something........this should make him feel a little better.
XOXOXOXOXO
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